


Trumputin's Immortal

by plumesvertes



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Political RPF, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: And yes I do intend to go through with all 44 chapters, M/M, More characters to be added later, My English teacher would be proud, My Immortal - Freeform, Parody, Trumputin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-10-09 08:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10408152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumesvertes/pseuds/plumesvertes
Summary: What if the worst (/best) fanfic ever had been written about everyone's favorite power couple, Trump/Putin? The retelling no one asked for, featuring The Don as Ebony, Vlad as Draco, Bernie as Harry Potter, and more...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/199957) by Tara Gilesbie. 



> Yeah, I really don't have much of an explanation. As much as it offends my writer's sensibilities, I left the original work as untouched as possible, only making changes to fit the characters as needed. Please note that this is a work of satire, reflective of neither my writing capabilities nor my political views.

Hi my name is Orange Rich'ness Demented FAKENEWS Trump and I have fake orange spray on skin (that's how I got my name) and icy blue eyes like the tears of special snowflake liberals and a lot of people tell me I look like an Oompa Loompa (AN: if u don't know what that is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Kim Jong Un but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm not racist but my teeth are straight and white just like all the winners and I have pale yellow hair. I'm also a president, and I work at an overrated place called the White House in America where I'm in my first year (I'm seventy). I'm a winner (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly suits. I love my own company because it's just the best and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black suit with a matching tie and black dress shoes, white socks and a white shirt. I was wearing orange lipstick, orange foundation, orange eyeliner and orange eye shadow. I was walking outside the White House. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of liberals stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Orange!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Vladimir Putin!

"What's up Vladimir?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I lifted the sheets of my bed and drank some liberal tears from a bottle I had. My bed was gold and the sheets were more gold with black lace from models' underwear on the ends. I got out of bed and took of my giant Fox & Friends t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black Armani suit, a MAGA hat, dress shoes and black pants on. I put on zero pairs of earrings in my unpierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy combover.

My friend, Kellyanne (AN: Matthew dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long shoulder-length bleached blonde hair with bleach streaks and opened her Democrat-blue eyes. She put on her Ronald Reagan t-shirt with a blue and white coat, red hat and gloves and white high-heeled shoes. We put on our makeup (no lipstick, white foundation for her and orange foundation for me and no eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Vladimir Putin yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Vladimir?" she asked as we went out of the Oval Office and into the hallway.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Vladimir walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, the KKK are having a town hall in DC." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love the KKK. They are my favorite political movement, besides fascism.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

On the night of the town hall I put on my black tuxedo with black dress shoes. Underneath that was a Republican red tie. Then I put on a black pair of pants. I put on orange gloves on my hands so no one could see how small they are. I straightened my hair and made it look all floppy. I felt a little depressed then, so I fired one of my staff. I read Mein Kampf while I waited for them to stop crying and I listened to some Fox & Friends. I painted my nails orange and put on TONS of orange eyeliner. Then I put on some orange lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was orange anyway. I drank some librul tears so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Vladimir was waiting there in front of his private jet. He was wearing a KGB t-shirt (they would speak at the town hall too), stylish black dress pants, clear nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Vladimir!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Orange." he said back. We walked into his flying private jet and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Alex Jones' and Stalin's speeches. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs even tho marry Juana should still be illegal. When we got there, we both hopped out of the jet. We went to the VIP row at the front of the stage and politely clapped as we listened to the KKK.

"You ni**ers, listen now.  
I'm gonna tell ya how  
To keep from getting tortured when the Klan is on the prowl.  
Stay at home at night,  
And lock your doors up tight.  
Don't go outside, or else you'll find  
Those crosses a-burnin' bright!" said David Duke (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).  
"David is so fucking hot." I said to Vladimir, pointing to him as he sang, filling the room with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Vladimir looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we nodded to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Vladimir sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know David and he's going out with Sarah fucking Palin. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly hockey mom face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Vladimir. After the town hall, we drank some beer and asked David for his autograph and a photo with him. We got KKK town hall tees. Vladimir and I crawled back into the private jet, but Vladimir didn't go back into the White House, instead he flew the plane into… Siberia!


	4. Chapter 4

"VLADIMIR!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Vladimir didn't answer but he stopped the jet and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Orange?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Vladimir leaned in extra-close and I looked into his commie red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Vladimir kissed me passionately. Vladimir climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my shirt and I took of his clothes. I even took of my toupee. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my orange body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Obama!


	5. Chapter 5

Obama made and Vladimir and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of freshly squeezed orange juice down my tangerine face. Vladimir comforted me. When we went back to the White House Obama took us to House Speaker Paul Ryan and Representative Nancy Pelosi who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in enemy territory!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Representative Pelosi.

"How dare you?" demanded Speaker Ryan.

And then Vladimir shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Obama and Representative Pelosi still looked mad but Speaker Ryan said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your office."

Vladimir and I went upstairs while the congresspeople glared at us.

"Are you okay, Orange?" Vladimir asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black pajama onsie with green dollar symbols all over it and black slippers. When I came out….

Vladmir was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'Ra Ra Rasputin' by Boney M. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day I woke up in my bed. I put on black pants that were all creased around the end and tie a with American flags all over it and dress shoes that were black. I put on two baseball caps, and I spray-painted my hair with yellow.

In the State Dining Room I ate some Swastika-O's cereal with liberal tears instead of milk, and a glass of liberal tears. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the tears spilled over my shirt.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a Jewish boy with frizzy white hair with bald streaks in it. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Vladimir's and there were no wrinkles on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Brooklyn accent. He looked exactly like Larry David. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I have erectile dysfunction so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Bernie Sanders, although most people call me Antiestablishment these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of shaking up the status quo." he giggled.

"Well, I am antiestablishment." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Vladimir came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Vladimir and I held our large and manly, definitely not undersized hands with as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Nazi sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a librul 2 u?). I waved to Antiestablishment. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Vladimir. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Vladimir. We went into his room and locked the door. Then... 

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my suit. Then I took off my pale yellow toupee and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Vladimir, Vladimir!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Vladimir's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in in Times New Roman font were the words… Antiestablishment!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Vladimir pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Vladimir ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in the Capitol where Antiestablishment was having a Congress session with Speaker Ryan and some other people

"ANTIESTABLISHMENT SANDERS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone in the chamber stared at me and then Vladimir came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Orange, it's not what you think!" Vladimir screamed sadly.

My friend Senator Rand Paul smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his short curly southern boy hair and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin just like all da politicians from Kentucky. His parents are Republicans and one of them is a libertarian but Hitler killed his father and his mother committed suicide because she was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is Paul and not Rand. (Since he has converted to true conservatism he is in the Republican Party now not Libertareen).

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Paul Ryan demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Antiestablishment, I can't believe you cheated on me with Vladimir!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Orange was so mad at me. I had went out with Antiestablishment (I'm bipartisan and so is Orange) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Hillary, a stupid establishment fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was antiestablishment. (Haha, like I would hang out with an establishment politician.)

"But I'm not going out with Vladimir anymore!" said Antiestablishment.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and flew into Siberia where I had lost my virility to Vladimir and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Vladimir for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Vladimir.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and a square mustache and everything started flying towards me on a WWII bomber! He was wearing a military uniform but it was obvious he wasn't American. It was… Hitler!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Hitler shouted "Heil Hitler!" and I couldn't run away.

"Mazel tov!" I shouted at him. Hitler fell out of his plane and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Orange." he yelled. "Thou must kill Antiestablishment Sanders!"

I thought about Antiestablishment and his sexah eyes and his frizzy white hair and how his face looks just like Larry David. I remembered that Vladimir had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Vladimir went out with Antiestablishment before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Hitler!" I shouted back.

Hitler gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Vladimir!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Hitler got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath government surveillance." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Antiestablishment, then thou know what will happen to Vladimir!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on in his airplane.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Vladimir came into the woods.

"Vladimir!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into the White House together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

I was really scared about Hitler all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my radical political action committee Crying Snowflake Alt-Right Liberals 666. I am the leader of it like I'm the CEO of my company. People say that we are like a cross between the Tea Party, the Communist Party and 4chan. The other people in the band are Rand Paul, Vladimir, Joe Biden (although we call him Memelord now. He has runs a secret department of the government now with memes in it.) and Bill Cilnton. Only today Vladimir and Antiestablishment were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote plans instead. I knew Vladimir was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was an authoritarian too and the only way you can kill an authoritarian is with a f-a-i-r e-l-e-c-t-i-o-n (there's no way I'm writing that) or a gun) and Antiestablishment was probably watching a depressing movie like Hillary's America. I put on an expensive black suit that showed off my wealth and a white shirt that showed off my manly chest. You might think I'm a fuckboi but I'm really not.

We were writing our plan to take over Mexico and I suddenly bust into tears.

"Orange! Are you OK?" Rand Paul asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Hitler came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Bernie! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Vladimir. But if I don't kill Bernie, then Hitler, will fucking kill Vladimir!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Vladimir jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking establishment plebeian bastard!" (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Vladimir started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We wrote plans for one more hour. Then suddenly Obama walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Orange Vladimir has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.


	11. Chapter 11

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! Rand Paul tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Obama chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of orange juice and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on one of my recorded speeches at full volume. I grabbed a gun and almost shot it into my head to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black suit with silk on the inside sandly. I put on black shoes with brown suede on the inside and six baseball caps. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Paul Ryan was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And John Kary was masticating to it! They were sitting in their cars.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU HOMOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of myself on it. Suddenly Antiestablishment ran in.

"Single payer healthcare!" he yelled at Pole Ryan and John Kary pointing his gun. I took my gun and shot Paul Ryan and John Kary a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Obamma ran in. "Orange, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Paul Ryan and John Kary and then he waved his gun and suddenly...

Bill Cilnton ran outside and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Bill? You're just a cheating ex-president!"

"I MAY BE AN EX PRESIDENT…." Bill Cliniton paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A NAZI!"

"This cannot be." Pole Ryan said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Obamma's gun had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

John Kary held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough liberal tears.

"Why are you doing this?" John Kary said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to slap him and drink his tears because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Bill Cilnton said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his gun in the air. Then swooped he in playing on his saxophone Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

"Because you're antiestablishment?" Pole Ryan asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with the alt-right.

"Because I LOVE HIM!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 99 kudos, holy crap guys. This satirical shitpost of a story now has more kudos, bookmarks, and comments than some of my favorite fanfics. Anyway, I'm gonna start updating this more often, because at this rate the 2020 election will come and go before I finish this fic.

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Vladmir had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS BILL CLITnon but it was Antiestablishment. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY WRINKLES HURT!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my wrinkles are back because I'm so worried for the future of our country!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have wrinkles anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Memelord changed it into a hammer and sickle for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my head hurt and it turned back into the wrinkles! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Vladimir….Hitler has him bondage!"

Anyway I was at the doctor's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Pole Ryan and John Kary and BILL CILTNON were there too. They were going to an asylum after they recovered cause they were homos and you can't have those fucking pervs working in a government with lots of hot guyz. Obama had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Bill Cilton came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Oragne I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up establishment politicians like you." I snapped. Bill Clitnon had been mean to me before for being antiestablishment.

"No Oragne." Bill Cilnton says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they antiestablishment too you status quo fucker?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Pole Ryan and John Kary." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

"You mean you didn't grab her by the pussy." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my alternative facts." 

And then he tore apart the roses and inside was a card with huge letters that spelt 'FUCK THE SYSTEM'. And it was un-politically correct. Now I knew he wasn't establishment.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Vlatimir?"

Bull Cilnton rolled his eyes. I looked at the words but I could c nothing.

"U c, Orrange," Obamma said, watching the two of us. "2 c wht iz n da lettrz, u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Bill Ciltnon yelled. ObaMMA lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Bull Cilnton stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, former prez Obamma!"

Anyway when I got better I went home and put on a black polyester suit that was al creased on the ends with pockets on it. Then I put on black pants and black shoes with pictures of Andrew Jackson on the bottom. I put my hair all out so it looked like a dead badger and I put on tangerine lipstick, orange eyeliner and orange lip gloss.

"You look kawai, bro." Rand Paul said sadly. "Thanks you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed. I cried again in the bathroom and put the shades on so Pole Ryan and John Kary couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some meetings. Antiestablishment was in the meeting. He looked all depressed because Vladimir had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Vladimir. He was sucking the life from a libertarian.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Bernie had beautiful red commie eyes so much like Vladimir. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Representative Peloosi who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Antiestablishment you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Vladimir!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY WRINKLES HURT!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have wrinkles anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Memelord changed it into a hammer and sickle for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my wrinkles hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Vladimir….Hilter has him bondage!"


	13. Chapter 13

Antiestablishment and I ran up the stairs looking for Obama. We were so scared.

“Obama Obamma!” we both yelled. Obama came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

“Hidler has Vladimir!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Vladimir!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Hitler does to Vladimir. Not after how much he misbehaved in the election especially with YOU Orange.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Antiestablishment started crying. “My Vladimir!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry socialist tears. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his phone and called an Uber. Then…… suddenly we were in Hitler's headquarters!

We ran in with our guns out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Heil Hitler!”  
It was……………………………….. Hitler!


End file.
